ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.