Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
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🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Scream sneezers need love too.