“I’m not a fan.”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
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OFFICER: are u reformed?
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
the word ‘freelancer’ originally came from medieval knights who would kill evildoers for the king and THEN NOT GET PAID FOR EIGHT MONTHS
I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
narrator: sparta was a martial society where boys started military training as early as age 7
me (through a mouthful of pasta): HELL YEAH THATS (out of breath now) how things ought to be