@PopeAwesomeXIII

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

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@KalvinMacleod

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

@chefelicious

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

@junejuly12

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

@Overdue_Bills

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

@GorillaNipples1

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

@thwphipps

the word ‘freelancer’ originally came from medieval knights who would kill evildoers for the king and THEN NOT GET PAID FOR EIGHT MONTHS

@AllieA

I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.

@InternetHippo

narrator: sparta was a martial society where boys started military training as early as age 7
me (through a mouthful of pasta): HELL YEAH THATS (out of breath now) how things ought to be