Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
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My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
a god among men
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.