Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school