Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
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If you’re testing me, we failed.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.