Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts