Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?