Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Labreador
This is always good for a laugh.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.