Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
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When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet