ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
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Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
it be like that
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.