ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
M: I have herpes

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“Good luck with your little skits!”

-Shakespeare’s mom.


Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.


No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.


Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.


[first day as a server]
me: how would u like your steak
person: well done
me: thank you that’s so kind it’s my first day & i’m very nervous


My grandfather said he’d never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks.

And now we wait.


Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.


[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.


I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.


little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths