ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
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Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”