me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
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My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk