this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
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GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Breaking news:
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
#polloftheday
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.