Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?


*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]


Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.


I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.


how much morning wood, would my girlfriend suck, if she ever sucked and if I had a girlfriend. Whatever.


Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”


You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.


Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.