@junejuly12

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

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@Tbone7219

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

@mommajessiec

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

@_Kim_Jongun

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

@KentWGraham

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

@DoubtTommy

how much morning wood, would my girlfriend suck, if she ever sucked and if I had a girlfriend. Whatever.

@stephenjmolloy

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

@envydatropic

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

@JamesHavoc

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.