Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us


Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.


*takes plastic shield off razor*


[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.


Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice


Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!


Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved


The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt


I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad


Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.