@benrector

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

You Might Also Like

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

@Hormonella

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

@DrakeGatsby

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

@davidschneider

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

@BarndogKarck

Fred: let’s settle this once and for all!
*fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull*
Velma: he wasn’t wearing a mask!
Fred: I know.

@ColeNoorda

Set a personal record today.

I put 300 lbs on bench press.
I couldn’t lift it, obviously, but once the weight crushed my chest, I was able to hold my breath for 3 minutes and 26 seconds.

Personal best! 🙌

@_ElvishPresley_

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

@meganamram

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.