Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
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Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
No laws when master is gone
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Reporter: *ports again*
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.