me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

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Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.


Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.


Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.


When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.


Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.


I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.


I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.


Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*