@kieransofar

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

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@crunchenhanced

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

@LazyChank

Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.

@robin_991

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

@Starlight2112

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

@imdaintyaf

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

@pplwtching

I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.

@bngzyface

I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.

@sixfootcandy

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*