Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.