Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
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Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ