genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.