I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me: Hey kid what do you want for dinner?
8: Do you have cheese?
8: Do you have ham?
8: Do you have bread and mayo?
8: I want spaghetti
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“My friend got me a Fitbit”
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven’t got one tho
“u can buy them online”
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?
Coworker: Are those Chinos?
Me: No. These are my pants.
Me: Who steals pants?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me (on phone): Okay, I’ll ask. (to date) My mom wants to know if you can drive me home.
If by ticklish, you mean I’ll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I’m a little ticklish.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon