Me: Hey kid what do you want for dinner?

8: Do you have cheese?

Me: yes

8: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

8: Do you have bread and mayo?


8: I want spaghetti

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I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.


Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman


“My friend got me a Fitbit”
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven’t got one tho
“u can buy them online”
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?


Coworker: Are those Chinos?

Me: No. These are my pants.


Me: Who steals pants?


All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves


*speed dating
Me (on phone): Okay, I’ll ask. (to date) My mom wants to know if you can drive me home.


If by ticklish, you mean I’ll turn into a rabid chihuahua on bath salts if you come near my underarm, then yes I’m a little ticklish.


I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon