I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
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Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.