Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

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I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.


Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours


Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.


Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet


7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.


My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.


Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.


her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia


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