Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.