@Book_Krazy

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

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@chrisdelia

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

@stayfrea_

Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours

@That_Damn_Duck

Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.

@SteveDutzy

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

@Parkerlawyer

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

@BobTheSuit

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

@Donna_McCoy

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

@ClichedOut

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.