@djdarrellripley

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

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@OBiiieeee

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

@batkaren

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

@TheCiscoKidder

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

@Shakti_Shetty

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

@KenJennings

“This tweet isn’t funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!” –me

@Ivsy01

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

@karanbirtinna

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

@TheMichaelRock

Breaking News: Playboy to eliminate nude pictures from their magazine.

“What’s a magazine?” asked every guy under 30.

@sarcasticmommy4

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.