cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
You Might Also Like
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“This tweet isn’t funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!” –me
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Breaking News: Playboy to eliminate nude pictures from their magazine.
“What’s a magazine?” asked every guy under 30.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.