Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

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“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?


8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.


Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*


Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…


This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!


Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go


You know you’ve had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.


Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…


[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>


I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.