ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
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AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Science memes
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Legend 🤣🤣
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.