Family stickers on cars are the parent version of prison tattoos.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
“woah wait its back on again”
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police
I’m like a kid. People like me best when I’m quiet or sleeping.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes