I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
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Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend.
My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
1. use the word “plethora” more
2. learn at least four new bird calls – no, wait. learn a plethora of new bird calls.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”