@Lerky

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

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@tastefactory

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

@mjmimages

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

@Elizasoul80

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

@gHOEstgurl

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

@mean_spice

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

@Just_Lee_

4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend.

My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.

@joegoats

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

@Iffy_Penguin

resolutions:
1. use the word “plethora” more
2. learn at least four new bird calls – no, wait. learn a plethora of new bird calls.

@NikiWithIssues

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

@brendohare

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”