Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.