@Lerky

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

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@ArfMeasures

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

@BigJDubz

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

@KeetPotato

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
wtf
“woah wait its back on again”
no way
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police

@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@verywhitechedd

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: ok now let’s do a silly one

first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash

@portmanteauface

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes