Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
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[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.