Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

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“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!


You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.


Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT


Her: “For our anniversary my husband is letting me choose between a romantic trip to a secluded mountain cabin or private scuba diving.

Me: “Oh, what a sweetheart. I know the exact outfit I’m going to wear when Dateline interviews me about your “accident.”


I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.


Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?


Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”


I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit


I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.