“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
You Might Also Like
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Her: “For our anniversary my husband is letting me choose between a romantic trip to a secluded mountain cabin or private scuba diving.
Me: “Oh, what a sweetheart. I know the exact outfit I’m going to wear when Dateline interviews me about your “accident.”
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.