I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
You Might Also Like
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU