Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
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“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation