ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I’m tired tomorrow.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too