listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
You Might Also Like
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment