me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
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You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.