Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
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*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.