ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective