Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
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Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.