Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
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March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
canadian assassins are called killergrams
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….