@LuckoftheDraw86

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

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@jenstatsky

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work

@TwatWaffler69

You think you’re going to win this? I’ve been acting out potential fake arguments in the shower for years.

You don’t stand a chance.

@PJTLynch

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

@Be___Dope

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

@RidiculousSheri

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

@TheTweetOfGod

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

@Smug_Lemur

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

@dumbbeezie

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends