me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
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“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Breaking news:
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car