@AlexRogaski
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
@KeetPotato
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
You Might Also Like
@AlexRogaski
@Bunnydurden
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
@OctopusCavemann
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
@maratesk
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
@SarahFemme
If your mom still washes your underwear, you’re not allowed to have an opinion about anything.
@ThaJawn
(Confessional)
Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it
Priest: That’s not a sin
Me: I don’t understand this religion…
@Shade510
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
@That_Damn_Duck
Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women
@SnizzleFrizzle
My three biggest fears are drowning, heights and people that scroll with their index finger.
@karanbirtinna
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.