me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

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[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”


I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.


When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.


God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!


If your mom still washes your underwear, you’re not allowed to have an opinion about anything.



Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it

Priest: That’s not a sin

Me: I don’t understand this religion…


* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.


Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women


My three biggest fears are drowning, heights and people that scroll with their index finger.


I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.