@KeetPotato

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

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@AlexRogaski

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

@Bunnydurden

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

@OctopusCavemann

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

@maratesk

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

@SarahFemme

If your mom still washes your underwear, you’re not allowed to have an opinion about anything.

@ThaJawn

(Confessional)

Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it

Priest: That’s not a sin

Me: I don’t understand this religion…

@Shade510

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

@That_Damn_Duck

Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women

@SnizzleFrizzle

My three biggest fears are drowning, heights and people that scroll with their index finger.

@karanbirtinna

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.