me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
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Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
and now we wait
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.