Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
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That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I’m really confused …..
In Batman Begins, the scene when Bruce Wayne throws the gun into the river, if you listen you can hear someone say “you throw like a girl”.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]