@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
FRIEND: What

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@carlyken

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

@JPLFR80

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

@iheartgunts

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

@haveigotnews

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

@pilau

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

@Home_Halfway

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

@HockeyGoddess24

I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I’m really confused …..

@Mikecanrant

In Batman Begins, the scene when Bruce Wayne throws the gun into the river, if you listen you can hear someone say “you throw like a girl”.

@stewiecoffee

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

@CakeThrottle

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]