*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
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Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.