@Staggfilms

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

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@Shenaniglenns

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

@ClichedOut

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

@FknVancouver

If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.

@OmeoMusic

I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

@GrantTanaka

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

@ElgatoEsmio

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

@Awesomemom10

Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.

*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi

@mack44_d

Wait – so Nutella isn’t Cinderella’s crazy sister?!

@CatstreyDave

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

@hellohappy_time

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah