[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
You Might Also Like
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.
I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”
Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me.
*walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi
Wait – so Nutella isn’t Cinderella’s crazy sister?!
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah