Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
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I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
The glockness monster
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password