@jazz_inmypants

me: hi can I please give u all of my money

college: no you got a B in geometry when you were 14

me: ok sorry for asking

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@MarlaCaceres

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

@RealCarrotFacts

You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot

@karanbirtinna

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

@lovergirlkayy

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

@lovemydogduck

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

@DvuslyMarvelous

Craigslist ad:
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.

No weirdos please.

@AnniemuMary

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

@Megatronic13

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

@skittle624

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

@ozzyunc

If someone says “I’m a people person” are they a schizophrenic or a cannibal?