me: hi can I please give u all of my money

college: no you got a B in geometry when you were 14

me: ok sorry for asking

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I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.


You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot


Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.


i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?


24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?


Craigslist ad:
Looking for someone who can push me on the swings. Every 9th push has to be an underdog push.

No weirdos please.


Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.


Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this


Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud


If someone says “I’m a people person” are they a schizophrenic or a cannibal?