@stevevsninjas

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

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@treywafer

Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry

@TheCatWhisprer

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

@Browtweaten

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

@qwertying

A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..

@schmittsteve

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

@ronnui_

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

@soccerskiingmom

If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?

@looktothepickle

Got a cut on my arm, someone on Facebook sent me healing vibes and PRESTO! two weeks later the cut fully healed this is not a joke people