Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?
Got a cut on my arm, someone on Facebook sent me healing vibes and PRESTO! two weeks later the cut fully healed this is not a joke people
The toilet handle is lava