me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

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Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.


I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.


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A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”


My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.


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Genie: you have three wishes

Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000

Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left

Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000