Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.
I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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*Claps along at an opera*
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000
Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left
Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000