@stevevsninjas

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

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@Introvert_Dad

Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.

I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne

@Darlainky

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

@crunchenhanced

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

@CulturedRuffian

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

@missekay

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

@SentenceReduced

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

@mommajessiec

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

@Darlainky

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

@rudy_mustang

Genie: you have three wishes

Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000

Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left

Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000