Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
You Might Also Like
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
🍞🦆
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.