ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
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Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.