Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
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Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
he chose this
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit