ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
For the orator and chef in all of us
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.