7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute?
Me: You got a warrant?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
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me: i’m late
me: it’s yours
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
Need I say more?
There are four main food groups:
I had a little bird, her name was enza, I opened up the window and influenza.
teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?
me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!
“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Me: can you stop playing?