me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Welcome to the stomach
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help