me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

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7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute?

Me: You got a warrant?


if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive


After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet


Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?


There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried


I had a little bird, her name was enza, I opened up the window and influenza.


teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?

me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!


“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”


[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?