ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
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New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
God, I love Scotland
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.