If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
What if all the cashiers are married?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t