Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
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{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma