Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
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If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Always…
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
You learn something every day
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo